It feels so good to say that.
This is one of a few decisions I made this weekend, a weekend that I will dub from henceforth, "The Low Point."
Back in November, when I started the 52X30, I was excited about it. And honestly, I am still excited about it. In the first few months, I was ahead of schedule with weight loss. Suddenly, out of the blue, I put back on all of the weight I lost. I didn't change anything about my food intake or my exercising. But within 72 hours, I gained back 13lbs, totally inexplicably. I kept going with things, but my weight hasn't budged at all since then. I think that it is tied to my sleep, or rather, my lack of sleep. I have not been able to get 8 hours of sleep more than once or twice a week. I really think that is the key.
I have gotten to the point where I am just pushing through a haze every day. I beg my clock to be wrong in the morning. At night I am totally overwhelmed by the amount of housework that needs done after the girls are tucked in. I can barely walk up the stairs to bed. If I get up early to exercise, I don't have anything left to emotionally engage my girls in the evening. If I stay up late to exercise, it just doesn't happen, I am too tired. I am always on edge, too. If the girls are playing and bump over a pile of laundry, it takes ALL of my energy not to go ballistic. It's like if one single thing knocks backward any progress I've made (on anything), I can't recover from the disappointment and frustration. I hope this doesn't come off as self-centered or overly-dramatic. But even if it does and I look like I'm trying to play the victim here, I don't really care. This is where I am right now. I am tired. And I am done.
I didn't want my carefully crafted 52X30 plan to become a huge regret. I love the plan so much, and I put so much thought into it, that I want to save it for when I have time. I really do think it will work for me, as it did for a while.
While I did decide this weekend to end the 52X30, I have known for a while that I need to make some changes. We had communion last week at church. I was numb. I tried so hard to feel. To feel anything. Thankfulness. Sadness. Joy. Anything. I sat in that bench zeroing in on the message, trying to force some wetness in my eyes, and some motion from in my chest. But it didn't happen. This Easter weekend was a disaster from beginning to end. I was too tired and numb to feel like I was actually there. So, I made some decisions to try to change this funk I'm in.
First of all, I am putting all things weight-loss related on the back burner. Not forever, but at least until Darren graduates next May. This doesn't mean that I'll stop buying healthy foods, I like that change we made in our family. I'm going to stop beating myself up for not exercising, and for not losing weight. No more guilt. The time will come to focus on exercising, and I am not a hopeless case. Secondly, I am hiring someone to clean my house, and/or do some laundry. We don't have money for it, but then again, we don't have money for anything. And if I don't get some help, it might not matter. Thirdly, I'm going to stop blaming Darren. When things go wrong in my life, I blame him. I have started to resent him, because of his schedule and his ability to drop everything and relax. I guess I expect him to be as stressed and tired as I am, but he just doesn't operate like that. That is a good thing, and I'm going to try really hard not to be angry when he takes time out for self-care. (perhaps I should take a tip from him?) I should probably make #4 something about telling Darren that I'm going to stop coming down so hard on him. Pretty sure our 'intense marital discussion' last night didn't leave him with the impression I'm stopping blaming him for anything. #cardsonthetable #fulldisclosure
About a month ago I was chatting with a friend (Rachel Fessendon), at aerobics class, about how I was struggling to keep it together, and felt like a mess. She said something that I could have kissed her for. She said, "I am a mess, but I am a REDEEMED mess." I have absolutely clung to that thought since that evening. I am a redeemed mess, too. I might not feel redeemed right now. I might not feel worthy of being redeemed right now. But what it comes down to is this: I AM redeemed. I have no choice in the matter. I have been REDEEMED- haze, doubt, blaming, and tiredness, all redeemed along with. It's a package deal. Me and my hot mess are redeemed.
Me and my hot mess are also:
for the record, I like full disclosure. and, once again, I feel like you can put words on feelings/concepts/randomwomanness so well. I wouldn't have been able to. Good work. (and some advice, Rach is ALWAYS a good one to chat with about stuff like this.)
ReplyDeleteI hear ya Brit! All this resonates with me too. A wise woman and dear friend told me that when you need a housekeeper most is when your kids are young and you can't afford it and by the time you can afford it your kids are grown and you are retired so you have more time, less mess and really dont need a housekeeper any more :) Everything about this phase of life is overwhelming. Rest in the peace that none of us have it all together and certainly not any more together than you do. If it looks like we do its a lie and Satan attempting to deceive you and me.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kristi and Wendy! Appreciate you both, and your encouragement!
ReplyDeleteHugs, Britni! I understand a little of what you are going thru. Getting some help is a very smart thing to do, you are wise to realize this. I know you are overwhelmed right now, but keep looking ahead to that light at the end of the tunnel and remember, this won't last forever. Simplify and prioritize, and take one day, (one hour, one minute) at a time.
ReplyDeleteOH Beeg. Seriously. My heart is your heart, for the majority of this post. Love you for it. Really. You are not alone!
ReplyDeleteDid you write this before or after you called me? Had I read this before you called me I would have not gone to the park and went walking with you! Sounds like you have done some soul searching! I seriously have no idea have you keep it together! You really amaze me! You are a much stronger women than I will ever be!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Marti, Angie, and Joy. Angie, I totally love that you still use my high-school nickname :D Joy, I'm fairly sure strength is not something I am in possession of right now, but I DO lean on my fantastic friends like you! We'll find a date to take a walk :) Marti- thanks for the encouragement that I'm doing the right thing in looking for some cleaning help, it makes me feel better about it!
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