Blue lines

We had a pregnancy scare.

Oh my gosh that's a terrible thing to say.

But, that is essentially what it came down to.  For a few weeks, I was living in terror and Darren was elated, and we started talking about gender and the future.

This afternoon, we are post "scare" and there is decidedly not an Eisenmann baby #3 on the way.  But as I stand in waist-deep water, looking back at the shoreline and watching the wave crash innocently on the beach, I'm left feeling a bit bathetic.  I had watched this wave form out in the ocean, and with each passing day it grew bigger and stronger and faster.  And the wave was headed towards me, and I felt helpless against the devastation it would surely bring to my life.  And then, right when I expected it to hit, I passed through untouched.  Like Neo.

And now...

Now, after spending so much time contemplating how I would add this little guy (it was going to be a boy, we're sure :) ) to our lives.... Now, I'm wondering why I was so afraid.

I'm relieved for sure.  I don't even know how I could have done it.  I couldn't have kept my full-time job, which I adore and gives me purpose.  I couldn't have kept it if I wanted enough time with each of my children to raise them how I would like.  And with our expected plans for the next 2 years, there is no wiggle room for any extra anything, much less a baby.

But this afternoon my arms are feeling a tiny bit empty.  Little boy clothes are looking a tiny bit precious.  (Sarah, you're killing me.)  I had already planned our pregnancy announcement.  And I'm just a tiny bit sad, and a tiny bit annoyed that I was ever afraid of a tiny blue line.

So here's a tiny blog update after a pretty significant absence.