Scrambled Brain. Focused/ing Heart.

10 days ago my little Squeak fit into 3-6 mo. clothes very comfortably.  Then last week all she did was eat and sleep or whine that she was hungry or tired.  This week, I got out the 6-9 mo. clothes (of which I have extremely few...eek!); she's not quite fitting them, but she will be soon!  Darren and I want to Foster to Adopt in the future, but that feels so long away and my baby is getting big!  I cuddle and kiss her all the time; I don't want to miss any moments.
I feel desperate and ragged recently, running around these past few months like a chicken with my head cut off, getting things done for work or church or other things, and at the same time trying to soak up these last moments with my chicas in Leo. So much needs done, but I force myself to take out chunks of time to do nothing but be with Tallie and Kaia.  It's something I've learned being a houseparent; taking time for your kids is never a move that you will regret.  I had to learn that the hard way.  Darren had to hold me by my shoulders, still me, and force me to look in his eyes.  Then he'd say- "You're not a houseparent right now, you're a mom.  I need you to be a mom, not run the house."  I'd get caught up in the "work" of being a houseparent and forget my other roles- mother, wife.  There were times early on that I would literally get annoyed that Tallie needed me when we were on duty.  But Darren wouldn't let me sacrifice my motherhood.  Early on, when T was first born, he would occasionally force me to forget that I was working and just be with her.  Eventually, I got the hang of doing both at the same time, but Darren taking the time to tell me to do that taught me a lot.  It stuck.
Borrowing time from houseparenting tempted me to feel guilty, like I wasn't doing either job (parent, houseparent) very well, but like I said...eventually I got the hang of it!  There is so much guilt to be had in motherhood.  In womanhood, really, but I'll stick to motherhood.  I thought I had conquered that; when Tallie was born I made the conscious decision to not feel guilty about my choices.  Between parenting blogs and Dr. Phil and the millions of books out there, a mom can collapse in a depressed, guilty mess- sure that you aren't doing the perfect things that will allow your children to grow up self-confident and popular.  I've done a good job blocking out media, etc. from making feel guilty.  I'm finding out, though, that I'm far from bullet proof :)  I don't feel guilty about my parenting choices.  I feel guilty about how my kids look- isn't that stupid?  I think it's stupid, but I can't kick it.  Tallie is a big girl, she was born big and we haven't looked back since.  She's been at 95% on everything since she was barely suckin' air.  When she plays with other kids the first thing I look at is her waist line and compare it to other kids' her age.  And I feel guilty.  I think about every non-healthy snack I've given her that week and I mentally tally how many times she got juice or lemonade when water would have been fine.  And I feel guilty that I feel guilty.  Ugh.  Every time she mentions that she's hungry in public I mentally shudder and wonder who was in earshot.  Sometimes when family members or friends mention that she likes to eat I get annoyed.  So this is my 'guilty' struggle right now.  She may grow out of this, she may not.  Whether or not she is thin in her teen years, I hope that by then I have kicked my sinful guilt about her looks.  I want to just enjoy who she is, all of the time, no matter what I think others may think about the way she looks!
For now, in the chaos that is May 2012, I am loving my girlies and their daddy, and I am enjoying as many guilt-free moments that I can!  Love you all :)