Worker Ant, Seeker

A few weeks ago I helped put together a short film in which 4 women from the Leo AC church talked about hard times in their lives and how Faith had brought them through.  I got to edit the film after we shot the interviews, so I  have watched it probably dozens of times total.  Something struck me and started to bug me as I was editing.

The first 'woman' we interviewed was barely a teen.  Her hard time is just the first of many to come, and it was fun to see her viewpoint and explain how God worked in her through it.  At the end Sarah Stoller (who was the one conducting the interviews) asked her to define 'Faith'.  In her definition she mentioned that if you follow God's leading that everything will work out, because "God has your best interest in mind."  I distinctly remember scoffing and thinking.  'Poor thing, in her young mind she thinks that she's the center of the universe, and that God has her specific interest in mind above others'.'  But then something happened that about knocked me out of my chair, and that's not an exaggeration.  Two interviews later we were interviewing a woman that had been through years and years of struggle and trials and had come triumphantly out the other end praising God and bringing glory to Him.  She too, mentioned that God has our best interest in mind.  Surely she can't be wrong, I thought.  She's not naive, she's not deceived, and she is definitely baring her heart to us.

It stopped me in my tracks.  It occurred to me that I may have a very incorrect viewpoint.  I scoffed at the first young lady because I DON'T believe that my personal best interest is anything that God cares about or spends time thinking about.  That said, I have never been through any hard trials.  I have not struggled with whether or not I am saved.  I have not struggled with whether God loves me or not.  I just simply don't believe that my PERSONAL best interest is anything that goes through God's mind.  In my current perception, things that are occurring now are occurring because of something that happened in the past to bring us to the current situation.  I don't believe God intervenes unless fervent prayer is involved. I definitely don't believe that God thinks about me as an individual or that He is concerned about how my day is going...or how my life is going, for that matter.

In passing I mentioned these thoughts to Sarah as she reviewed and helped me edit the footage.  She vehemently told me that I was dead wrong and that it was very important that I correct this thinking error.  I was taken aback by her reaction- she talked about it like it was critical that I get this straightened out, and I had just casually told her about this.  It made me wonder just how wrong I was and what the consequences of my beliefs were.  I thought about this a lot, but I didn't mention anything to anyone again until today.

Rachel Klopfenstein is training me to take over her position in the Foster Care department at Gateway.  Today we met with 5 of the kids I will be working with, and on the way back talked a lot about our personal spiritual journeys.  I told her that I haven't felt a close communion with God since high school, when I would spend hours in my room with my guitar, just me and the Holy Spirit, praising Him.  I also told her about my thoughts about these interviews and asked her what she thought.  She connected for me how this belief has effected my emotional bond with God.  If I don't believe that He cares about my individual feelings or needs; If I don't believe that He has my best interest in mind, then what is my motivation to get or stay close to Him?  It made sense then, the connection between these two things in my life.

At home I talked to Darren about it.  I have mentioned before to Darren that I want to go to heaven simply because it's not hell.  It doesn't sound especially appealing to me, but I definitely don't want to end up in hell. I don't question that I'm a Christian or that I am saved.  I do talk to God through Jesus often, but I don't feel close to God.  He feels like a powerful distant relative.  Darren has also told me multiple times that my lack of an emotional bond with God hurts his ability to spiritually lead our family.  I knew it was a big deal, but I didn't know how to fix it, and I never knew WHY there was a chasm there.  At least now I know why.  I don't feel close to God because I don't believe that I am special to Him.  Not only that, but I'm not crying as I say or type that, it is simply a fact in my mind, and not one that I feel badly about.  I have felt like a cog in the system, a worker ant...or something similar.  I thought I was fine with that, and I never saw the connection between that view and my relationship (read: lack of) with God.

Tonight I feel like I'm starting a journey back to communion with God.  It'd be plain stupid to have this revelation and do nothing about it.  I know in my tiny brain that not having a relationship with God is bad, for me, my family, and for those I impact.  I don't know how to get from here to there, but it needs to be done.  And God claims that He can be found to the seekers :)

I still don't believe...well, maybe 'feel' is a better word...I still don't feel that my best interest is something that God has in mind.  I don't feel special...but I also am not sure if I WANT to feel special to God.  And I am afraid of what will happen if I start walking across the void, seeking God.  It's been almost 10 years since I had a strong emotional connection to Him.  I'm used to feeling like I am just one of billions of His children, working here on earth to be a good example and spread the Gospel.  I have been comfortable just being a worker ant, and I don't remember what it feels like to know that God cares about things like how my day went, or where my stress level is.

That's essentially all I have to say.  I wanted to write it all down so I don't forget that this all happened, and I needed to do a blog update...lucky you, reader!

Britni
Worker Ant, Seeker