Fear

First, a short apology.  I know that I've been very absent since the Christmas season.  I've been busy, but that's not really an excuse, is it?  I have had lots of thoughts for blog posts, but training is eating up my time and energy.  Darren also has started another quarter, and I always feel like I get hit by a giant 8-week 'tall' tidal wave when his quarters start.  I've been struggling to stay above water at home, and figure out how to be a good mom, widow wife, and employee (again.  same struggle, new quarter.)

Today, though, feels like a good day for a post :)

On fear.

I've been wondering about fear and what it makes me, and those around me, do.  Primarily, because of this training- I'm afraid of failing this race.  I'm also afraid of succeeding- what will happen next?  Regression?

I don't know that any of us are immune to fear.  And I don't think that it's always a bad thing.  I was terrified of flunking out of college, so I studied my butt off!  On the other hand, I despise fear in my parenting.  I cringe when someone tells one of my kids not to do something and the reason they give is this exhorbitantly horrific hypothetical that ends in my little girl spurting blood or loosing limbs.  That's ridiculous, parenting is no place for fear of anything but God.

I've seen fear make a pre-adoptive father turn his back on what he knows God called him to, because he couldn't see into the future- and that's scary.

Fear will make a teen girl give a boy anything he wants.  So that he doesn't leave her.  So that he doesn't ridicule her as a loser or fake.  She doesn't know what she's worth because no one told her, no one showed her.  And she is afraid of being proved worthless, thrown away again.

I have seen fear in a young mans eyes, as he willed me to tell him that this time, he could go home for good.

I have understood the fear and heard the sobs of a courageous young woman as she left the shelter of the group home to go back into the world she came from.  She had countless victories behind her, but she knew what lay ahead, and how hard it would be not to throw all of those victories away for the old life that she knew so well. (And she did, but that doesn't mean she can't make victories in the future.)

I have heard fear in a mother's voice, as she tells the judge 'thanks' for letting her child come home, but acknowledges that she doesn't know if she can make it work.

Ah, fear.  That drunken sailor that wanders between our head and our heart, kicking holes in both and leaving behind a trail of stench that reeks of doubt and hesitancy.

Recently, I was able to sit next to a couple for their entire first date.  (I realize that sounds creepy but in all fairness, they sat down next to me, not the other way around.  They met for afternoon coffee at the cafe where I work at.)  Three minutes in, the guy tells the girl that he got a 6 year sentence for beating up his last girlfriend, mother to at least one of his four kids.  And the girl on this date didn't flinch.  She was quiet, but as he kept talking she warmed up and started swapping arrest stories with this loser.  RUN, CHICK, RUN!  I kept waiting for him to get up and use the restroom or something so that I could talk to her.  But really, what would I say.  "I know that you're 25 and you probably have a decade of feeling worthless behind you, but you don't have to date men like this."?  "You will end up with bruises, and you know it."?  "You are smarter than this."?  I never did end up talking to her.  I wanted to, but I didn't. So I spent some time wondering about her motivation.  It's gotta be fear, right?  I mean, no girl with self-confidence and a hope for her future continues a first date after the guy laughs about his 6 year sentence for battery.  Right?  She's afraid of something.  Being alone?  Being poor for the rest of her life?  Being rejected?  I don't know what she's afraid of, but I would be shocked if there is anything other than fear keeping her butt in that chair.

Fear is healthy, and has a place in our lives.  I need to stay on top of mine, though.  I don't want fear running the Control Panel in my brain, but just sitting nearby and piping up when I'm about to go wayward.