Kaia and Attachment

A couple of weekends ago, I attended a life-changing conference put on by Show Hope.  Show Hope partnered with Empowered to Connect, which was started by Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. David Cross.  Dr. Purvis has a seemingly endless wealth of knowledge when it comes to dealing with fostering and adopting children, especially children from hard places.  She did much of the presenting over the weekend.

As a major part of her work, Dr. Purvis spent a lot of time studying and teaching about attachment between parent figures (biological, adoptive, foster, etc.) and children of all ages.  As she spoke on attachment specifically, I was furiously running through my mind all of the foster children that I currently work with, and my own children.  Kaia, specifically, kept coming up.

Since we moved and I began working, I have been concerned about Kaia's attachment to me.  Kaia demands my attention almost 100% of the time that she is in the same room as I am.  It seems to be getting worse instead of better as time moves forward.  When I come home from work she runs towards me and shrieks as shrill as she can and clings to my legs until I pick her up.  Once she is in my arms, if I am wearing a coat or jacket she will tug on it and push it off of my shoulders as a sign that she wants me to stay home.  She is quiet and content once I pick her up, but at the same time she doesn't look at my eyes very much when she is in my arms.  If I move to put her down or move in a way that she feels like I may put her down, she clamps on with all her might and starts shrieking or whining again (at this point she will look at my face).  Making dinner is a nightmare most evenings, since she is quickly getting too big for the Moby.  I also have less and less patience for her shrieking and clinginess in the evenings as the work week goes on. She is also very clingy when she wakes up first thing in the morning; I can barely put her down to dress her, and once she is dressed she usually won't let me put her down to help Tallie get dressed.

I have debated much about how to appropriately respond.  Good old German/AC upbringing says to make her tough it out and teach her to be independent and learn to deal with it.  On the other hand, I wonder what need in her isn't being met and why she feels like she needs to be touching me in order to feel comfortable. I feel guilty that I am gone so much, but I can't explain to her why I have to be gone.  Darren has told me more than once that Kaia is an intense 'feeler' and she knows that on some evenings I am 'people-full' and I don't want to emotionally engage with anyone.  Since he pointed that out, I have tried to be more present and attentive in the evenings whether my head is buzzing from the day or not.

While it's a good sign in general that she wants to be with me and misses me when I am gone, I am concerned that she has a hard time trusting that I won't leave her...or at least I think that's what is going on.  As I reviewed conference materials, I learned that we moved and changed her whole understanding of her environment at a critical time in her life.  Had she been even 1 month (!) younger, she would not have been effected as much.  Ironically, I had thought that b/c she was closer to a year old, that it was better to move at that time than earlier (not that we could have changed the timing).  In addition to this revelation, I also realized at the conference that Kaia has a LOT of need for tactile stimulation.  This summer I will be garage sale-hunting for things to meet those needs, and currently I am pushing a lot of Play-doh (which she LOVES) and I have a sturdy glass vase with pebbles in it that she gets a kick out of emptying and filling.

As far as working on Kaia developing a healthier sense of security in relation to me, I'm still working on a plan.  I am going to begin toddler massage in the evenings (probably for Tallie too, since she already begs every night for a back scratch and rub).  I also might keep the girls up a little longer when they seem particularly needy.  When Kaia was 3-12mos old she would stay up about an hour after Tallie went to bed, and it was pretty obvious that she did it to get some alone time with Darren and I, as she would be alert and seeking our attention during this time.  Sometimes she would actually wake up an hour or so after Tallie went to bed, play with us, and then go contentedly back to sleep after a 1/2 hour or so.  Maybe this clingy/shrieking stuff is just a new tactic to try to get some alone one-on-one time with me.  I feel so guilty that she doesn't feel like she is getting enough!  But, I will try to use this guilt as motivation for change instead of letting it depress my motivation to find a solution.

I'm still learning about all of this, and I can't wait until I get to a point where I feel like I can teach some of these points to others.  Attachment is a crazy interesting issue, especially for fostering and adoptive parents!  I'm going to add good attachment items to my list of helpful links on the Foster/Adopt tab above, so if you are interested check them out.