Fight, Flight, or Freeze

I have had some fairly random conversations with Apostolic women since Darren started school, about the experience.  I've enjoyed them, and the spice they add to my life.  The last one I had makes my stomach turn and my fists ball up every time I let myself dwell on it, though.

A few weeks ago a woman sought me out for a conversation specifically because Darren goes to Grace, and because we live near the College.  I had no idea who she was, but apparently she knew at least that I was Apostolic and that I was married to a Grace student.  She was clearly Apostolic, as she was 'bunned and tatted' as I like to say.  (Her hair was in a bun and she had a tatted head covering on.) She also had a 2 or 3 year old son with her.  She wanted to talk about her adult daughter (I'll call her Sarah) getting a Master's degree from Grace College.

Adult daughter, 2 yr old son; this told me a little bit about what life is/has been like for her and gave me a peak into her world view.

She had this perplexed and apprehensive look on her face the entire conversation long (about 20 minutes) that I just couldn't identify as hard as I tried.  Was it an attempt to hide disgust?  Was it fear?  Was there something she wanted to ask but felt like she couldn't?  I'm sure I'll never know, but it set me on alert the whole conversation long.

To begin she gave me a little background.  She said that Sarah had taken some kind of accelerated Bachelors course though an accredited online university and had gone through in a couple years.  She said that they were looking for somewhere for her to get a Master's, as Sarah was interested in becoming a counselor.  They had talked to the Apostolic counseling ministry (Apostolic Christian Counseling and Family Services, ACCFS)  about her daughter possibly working for them someday.

And then came the first kicker.

This loving, well-meaning mom, asked me if Grace was expensive, because they didn't want to spend much money on their daughter because she was just going to get married and her education was pointless anyway.  She literally said that the reason they had her do the accelerated 2 yr Bachelors program was because it was cheap.

My heart ached!  I can't imagine not investing in your daughter because you have already decided that her future isn't worth it.  Because you've already decided what her future will look like.

They are actively showing Sarah that because she is a woman, she doesn't need as good of an education as her brothers.  I can't imagine living in a family that puts genders in a row like that.

At this point, I knew I couldn't say anything.  I'd be a flaming feminist in this woman's eyes if I challenged the belief that it was pointless to educate their daughter.

I did want to ask why they are (presumably) paying for Sarah's Master's degree if they don't think she'll use it.  But I didn't.  I really wish I had, maybe it would have provoked some thought or conversation in their family unit.

Like a one two, the second kicker came quickly there after.

The mom said that she wanted to verify that Darren and I lived in the area, and if other Apostolics lived in the area.  I told her of one single woman I knew of, and that we lived close to the College.  She looked relieved and said that while her daughter would drive home each weekend (that's a 2 hour drive 1-way, if this family lives near the church they attend.) but needed accountability during the week.  She said that Sarah loved people, and this mom was afraid that she might get 'into trouble.'  I probably gave her a wrinkled-forehead-questioning-eyes look at that point, because she expounded on the thought.  She said that she believed that women are more susceptible to sin than men.  She TOTALLY out and stated that like it was a fact.  She said that men just have 'something' that gives them more of an ability to defend themselves from sin, but that women just get too caught up and are more apt to sin.  So, she expected Sarah to try to help someone, and fall into sin.  Just like that.  Because she is a woman.

I seriously almost puked down her neck-to-ankle-closed-toed-shoes outfit.

You've GOT to be kidding me.  What a warped, tragic, misguided world view!

I wanted to put my hands on her upper arms, look her in the eye and tell her I was sorry.  "I'm so sorry that your dad didn't value you.  I'm so sorry that he didn't value your mother, and that she accepted that.  I'm so sorry that your brothers followed suit.  I'm so sorry that you believe that being a baby factory is a woman's only use in this world.  I'm so sorry that your husband views you as second class."  I don't know any of these things, but how else do you arrive to the firm belief that you are inherently more evil than the men in your life without those men affirming that?

I hope Sarah comes to Grace.  No matter where Sarah goes, if she moves out of her parent's house before marriage, she is going to be in for culture shock.  If Sarah comes to Grace we are going to be her new best friends.  I've seen so many kids from these families do exactly what their families fear they will do, because they are totally unprepared and have been given no freedoms or real responsibility before they are released to college.  When Sarah leaves her parent's bubble, she's going to need someone to help her transition into the Christian community beyond her hometown.  That's a huge task.  I really do hope Sarah comes, because I want to be able to help her navigate this transition and still maintain a healthy relationship with her family, whom I assume she will quickly begin to look different from.

If you think about it, will you say a little prayer for Sarah and her mom?  If I come across this mom again in the future, I would like to gently challenge some of her incorrect views of sin and gender roles.  I don't want to scare them from sending Sarah, but I can't rest easy knowing that I let this woman come in and out of my life without my speaking some truth into hers.