Intersections. Laser beams.

Excruciating is defined as extremely painful; causing intense suffering; unbearably distressing; torturing.

I am excruciatingly lonely.  After many long months, I finally admitted that to myself tonight.  I voiced the thought "I'm lonely and it sucks."  And then the flood gates opened as the words in my brain crashed into the emotions I had just released from my heart.


It sounds stupid, but before I admitted that to myself tonight, I was fairly clueless as to how much not having friends around here was effecting my entire life.


Darren and I have had a lot of trouble finding couple friends.  I'm sure many of you have moved to new communities and had to find new friends.  We are grade A awful at this process.  I think part of it is being so busy ... but who isn't.  So is that a real reason?  I feel like we really tried.  I know I put myself out there and consciously forced myself to be open to stretching my definition of what a friend looks like.  Maybe it boils down to having to find friends outside of the AC structure.


Whatever the reason is.  Here I am.  My bones ache, but I am numb.  I am exhausted day in and day out, but I can't ever sleep.  (Our house is 85 degrees, that might be part of that issue this week at least.)  I have conversations daily where I am using every ounce of my concentration to keep up or try to interpret what the person is saying.  I don't do anything with my free time, because I just don't feel like I have it in me.  I was running every morning, but now I just avoid getting up as long as possible.  I love my babies, but I am not nice to them in the evenings or on weekends.  I feel myself having less and less patience with them.  Darren told me I put more of myself into work than into them, and there is absolutely no way I can say this month at least that it isn't true.  I look at these symptoms and they point to one thing, one thing that Darren has been telling me for months.  I'm dealing with some depression right now.  And I think that based off of my body's reaction to the 'big reveal' that I'm lonely, that being lonely has a lot to do with that.


I'm so annoyed.  With myself.  With the women in this community that have been mean to me or that I feel look down on our family (Imagined?  Real?).  There has been one neighbor that has been awesome to me, and I really appreciate her, but she is older than my mother and probably not someone I can go get a Margarita with and whine about the harrows of balancing a job, kids, and student husband while dirt poor.  


This week Tallie has been going to a Storybook Adventure Camp in the mornings.  A couple of mornings I have taken her and worked from the park while she was in camp.  I've reached out to two women there with their daughters, and gotten a less than warm reception.  It's probably my perception and fragility.  But it really has killed me this week.  I need someone to smile back and say 'hi'! and be interested enough to ask where I live and what my daughters name is.  Too much to ask?  I don't know.  Maybe people just aren't nice to each other?  Maybe all of this is normal.  But I just don't have the strength to keep trying to get past hard exteriors to see if there is someone friendable under that.  I need a friend now, and I need that friend badly.  Just one.  Just one person I can call and say, 'Hey, after we get our kiddos down wanna go on a walk and talk about what embarrassing thing one of our kids did in front of the neighbors today?'

Today was a weird day, and I think it took the last of my ability to keep up my mask that stuff is fine.  I've had a few really rotten once-in-a-lifetime-hopefully weeks at work where I ended up on the wrong side of the Good Guy/Bad Guy coin too many times and had to stand my ground.  It's ripped me apart, and revealed my need for a friend.  Before this month I thought that being an introvert meant I could handle living here for a few years without a friend.  But today took my mask off.  I visited a past resident and delivered an air-conditioner to her.  Through generous donors, Gateway is able to have a program that allows employees to spend some money to help out past residents that are in deep need.  This woman, her husband, and her baby were living in an attic (well, 1/2 an attic really) without an air conditioner and it's been in the 90's.  I had a hard time finding an air conditioner as places had sold out, and I had to lug this heavy thing up a steep set of wobbly 2X4 plank stairs in my dress to deliver it.  I went over budget and I am totally conflicted as to whether to still have GW pay for the overage or to eat it.  Darren has been really stressed about our budget and I worry he'll flip if he realizes I just want to cover the overage.  Then, I called a very dear friend to touch base with her and though she was cheery, she is going through some very very hard times.  I didn't feel like I had anything to give.  I wanted to say something to help.  But inside I was quietly screaming, 'me too.'  The whole evening I was off.  I wasn't nice to the girls, which they of course picked up on.  Darren (bless him) took them after dinner and again at bed time despite a migraine because he sensed I wasn't ok.  Tonight after everyone went to sleep I finally looked my demon in the eye.

I'm lonely.  I'm really really lonely and it is kind of killing my ability to function at work and home.

But, I shall leave you with an upper.  There ARE awesome things happening around here, too.  For example, Kaia is potty training HERSELF.  Yes.  God is heartily rewarding us for the hard year or so of work we put into Tallie to get her potty trained.  I'll spare you the totally adorable picture of her sitting naked on her Dora seat, beaming up at Darren while saying "Poo poo!" and pointing into the toilet.  Last week Kaia asked to use the potty and she has used it at least once a day since.  This kid.  smh.