Diary of a daycare mom

Monday 1/13 was the girls' first day at their new daycare!  They were supposed to go last week, but the snow prevented that (MUCH to T's devastation).  I want to set this whole daycare situation up a little bit for you, so that then you can understand some of my emotions as I walked out of the daycare that morning, leaving them there.

Last summer, our amazing nanny moved on, and in August the girls began attending a daycare in Winona Lake.  It was really hard to find a daycare, essentially there are only two that were even worth touring.  The one I decided against was essentially a locked hallway with tiny cramped rooms and teachers/workers that didn't look glad at all to be there.  So, I went with the other one, which was also conveniently w/in walking distance from our house.

It was okay in the beginning, but there were red flags.  My girls' faces and clothes were covered in mystery stains at the end of the day, and their hair was totally disheveled.  One worker always had greasy hair and work over-sized 80's band T-shirts.  She was also missing some teeth, but I realize that item isn't totally controllable and dental insurance is hard to come by.  She seemed to always be there, so I finally asked for her schedule and I was told that she pretty much put in over 40 hours each week.  Yikes!  The other only full-time worker seemed a little fake, but nice.  A few months in Tallie started reporting that she was very mean when other adults weren't around, and that she yelled at Kaia a lot.  I began to realize that Kaia was spending a lot of time in time-out and that the workers weren't at all using the special care instructions I had left with them.  At home, Tallie was whiny and defiant and Kaia was physically aggressive, started biting us, and was generally unhappy.  I asked the daycare workers about this, but they denied having any issues with the girls, aside from Kaia occasionally having a bad day.

The kicker came 2 days before the girls' last day at that daycare.  As I have mentioned on this blog before, my bond with Kaia is something that I am very conscious of and careful with.  I already knew (and know) that her being in daycare is doing nothing to help this ongoing issue.  On that particular day, I walked into the daycare and Kaia squealed with excitement and ran across the playroom towards me.  The 'secretly mean' daycare worker, who was just a few feet in front of me, stuck out her arm as Kaia ran past her and totally clothes-lined Kaia.  Then she YELLED, "No mommy until you pick up your toys."  I was just in total shock.  WHO DOES THAT?!?  If right in front of me, she was willing to dangerously clothesline my kid, what was she doing to them when I wasn't around!??!?  I am getting so steamed just going over this again.  I think about it every day, but this is the first time I've written it down.  I still haven't calmed down enough to be able to call the director there and talk about it with her, and based on her lack of involvement in the daycare, I have doubts as to whether she will care.  But I won't base my decision to call on that, I know that I have to let her know about her HR issues whether she knows or cares about them.

Fast forward to 7:37am, January 13, 2014.  I walk my girls into their new daycare, hating myself with every step.  Terrified with every step.  Fighting nausea and anxiety and tears.  We put their items in each of their cubbies in their rooms, Tallie in her 3-4yr old classroom, Kaia in the 2yr old room.  They each have a blanket, a nap-time cuddle animal or doll, a change of clothes and diapers/wipes for K.  Then, I take their hands and walk them to the kitchen area for their breakfast.  I get them settled and then go to the front desk and check them in, as I am working through checking them in for the first time, I can see them eating and laughing at each other.  They occasionally look over at me and wave, both beaming and thrilled with this new experience.  After I am done, I walk back over to them and crouch down at their mini-picnic table to say goodbye.  There is zero hesitation on their part; they kiss and hug me and then Tallie announces that it is time that I leave.  I walk out, with one last wave before I turn the corner.  I leave, remembering all of the bad things that happened at the last daycare.  I leave, wondering for the millionth time, what mother in her right mind leaves her child in someone else's care for 9 hours a day. I leave, wondering if Kaia will be labeled as a bad kid at this daycare.  I leave, wondering how much damage I am doing to my relationship with my daughters by letting someone else teach them letters, coloring, math, and social skills.  I leave, against every desire and instinct in my body.

And I drive to work.  And I put my 'work hat' on.  And I want to do nothing else than drive back to the daycare, get my beautiful sweethearts, go home and read that monotonous Clifford book over and over the rest of the day.  Ah, but now we get into idealistic fantasy.

This is where God has us, and I am so thankful.  This is where God has us, and I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.  But it's hard, and sometimes it's ugly, and my heart is nowhere near understanding what my head does.  There is Grace, and there is comfort, and there is validation, and there is joy- and I am exempt from none of those.  But, I sure wish my heart could catch up to my brain!