Explanation of the Post Gap

I have hesitated in writing this entry, and even now, I have another post saved and waiting to be published and I wonder if I should just publish it right after this one so that this one is buried.  This post is why there was a 3 month gap or so in my entries- I wrestled with whether I should write it.

I don't know if my girls will ever read this blog, and so I am continually conflicted as to whether I should expose personal things about them on it.  At the same time, I keep this blog private so that no psycho or otherwise can read what I've written.  I analyze my motivation for exposing myself and our family.  What do I gain by showing you my deepest heartaches?  I also worry that this blog has gotten so dark and heavy that it's bringing others down.  I hope that's not the case.  I don't expect it to always be this heavy, but this is just where I am right now.  Our life is filled with hilarity and joy, and that is what I often share on facebook and in person.  I write letters to my girls for them to read someday, and even in there I only share the joys of our lives.  I guess this blog is just where I share my deepest fears and aches, along with other things too...but a lot of it is the yucky stuff in my heart.  I write in part to work through my own viewpoints, but also to share...because odds are, someone is going through, or has gone though, a similar thing.  Earlier this month I took Darren to a Selah concert for his Christmas present, and Amy (the chick in the group) laid out, without hesitation, her struggles in life.  I was floored.  I mean, she does this every concert!  Thousands of people know her pants size and what she cheated on her diet that day and how it hurts her to be struggling to loose her baby weight.  It gave me courage that I could share my struggles too.  She helped me see that it's not so scary to be open.

That said, here it goes.
(ps.  Tallie, if you are reading this at some later point, please know that I love you more than words can say and that I have walked every step with you and will continue to always.  I pray that you are confident in who you are in Christ and know just how gorgeous you are.)

I have blogged about Tallie's size in the past, and how I struggle with it.  This summer, things came to a head.  By the end of the summer I had even changed pediatricians over it.  (Speaking of, I should probably call the old one and make sure our appointments got cancelled.)  I am very conscious of what Tallie eats.  Even when she was a newborn, I never gave her a bottle before putting her to sleep, in hopes that in the future it would help her avoid the habit of eating before bed.  We limit her sugar and we promote fresh fruits and especially veggies.  Recently, I have been working on not serving carbs with dinner (hard to do w/ a hubby that lives on carbs, cheese, and meat). I don't say this to ask for praise, but just to predicate the following situation with an understanding that I'm not an idiot.  Really- I just want you to know that I'm not an idiot.  I have known since I was pregnant that Tallie was a big girl.  And since she was born I have been careful about her eating habits and the types of food we give her.

This summer Tallie turned 3 and we took her to her yearly appointment.  It could NOT have gone worse.  To start off, I had a cranky Kaia with me that also wanted my attention during the appointment.  They gave T a robe thingy to put on while she waited on the doctor.  It was way too big and she kept tripping on it and it itched her, so it came off w/in a few minutes.  Instead of the Dr., an intern came in and did the preliminary.  She asked if I had any concerns and I mentioned that T's weight was always something that we were watching.  She said "yeah" and looked at the chart and bumbled around for a while looking at Tallie.  T was walking around the room, stark naked in all her chubby glory.  She was playing with the toys and talking to me and the intern.  It was so awful, I think, because there was no way around seeing exactly what we were discussing.  I felt such helplessness and shame for Tallie.  I couldn't dress her, and she refused to wear the robe.  She gave me a lecture on how to feed kids and then, direct quote, "If you offer a child a twinkie or an apple the kid is going to want the twinkie."  Lord help me I almost punched that young, green thing.  Instead, though.  I just said, "uh huh," and smiled and nodded.  I knew she was learning and probably had no idea what she had said, but boy was I ticked!
After that, the Dr. came in and they went over things together. (Tallie is still running around in all her glory) They got into an argument about Tallie's specific weight, because apparently there are two scales they use and they don't trust the one Tallie was weighed on (awesome).  In a huff, the Dr. eventually turned around from looking at the growth chart on the counter, stared at Tallie (who at this point had her rear in the air as she was trying to climb up on top of the exam table) and said to me, "Regardless, she's off the charts and she's got to come down." (She's off the charts on height, too, btw.)
And then came the kicker.  The Dr. asked me what I feed Tallie, how much, etc.  The whole time I was talking to her she had a look that clearly communicated, "You are lying to me."  She asked me what I fed Tallie for breakfast.  When I stated that she had been offered eggs and sausage but hadn't eaten much, she squinted her eyes and said, "and toast?"  She obviously didn't believe me when I said I didn't give her any toast, and that my girls hardly ever get juice.  She asked what foods T likes, and when I listed carrots and tomatoes as her favorites she said, "Those are full of sugar, cut them out."
That was essentially the kicker.  It's rough when your Dr. thinks you are a bad mother.  But, I've gotten that vibe from her and blown it off before as just bad bedside manner.  Telling me to cut out veggies from my daughters diet, however, is not something I'm going to support in a physician.
After the appointment I drove to my mother in law's house, to drop off the girls before I went to work @ Gateway.  I sobbed all the way there, out of anger and frustration and fear.  I cleaned up before I got out of the car, but when I told my MIL about the appointment, I broke down again.  And I got even more angry that it was still getting to me.  All in all, I probably kept breaking down for about 48 hours.  Mostly, I cried for fear out of worrying about Tallie's future.  Now that she's 3 and overweight, this is essentially locked in as a life-long battle.  I also cried out of anger and self-pity.  Anger at the Dr., self-pity that I got treated like an ignorant idiot by a professional.
I had a new pediatrician by the end of the week.  When I walked into the new office in search of our new Dr. I told that receptionist a generalized version of my sob story and she was SO kind.  She pointed out 3 of their 8 Dr.'s that would fit our family (ie.  nice bedside manner, treat you intelligently) and I am really happy with the Dr. I ended up with.
We love our Tallie-girl.  I worry that she will blame me, if she ends up overweight.  I worry that she will hate who she is.  I worry that her concern about her looks will overshadow her other traits- like her ability to see others that are hurting and come alongside them, or her ability to crack anyone's exterior and make them smile, or her ability to talk for hours about absolutely nothing at all...especially when she is past her bedtime :)  Her body is a part of who she is, and I pray that it doesn't become the only part of her that she can see.  Who knows- she may never have a weight problem in the future.  Perhaps in 10 years I'll look back on this post and just shake my head at all the hoopla I caused.  Either way, I know that we ARE and will continue to work hard at helping her see herself as a creation of God's, as a sister to Jesus Christ, and as a treasured part of God's Kingdom.
[Insert closing thoughts here]
(I never know what to say at the end of these posts where I puke my emotional guts out at you people. Hope it was helpful?  Have a good day?  No, really, I'm not a depressed worry-wart?)

:)  Love and appreciate you all.  Have a good week!