Po'

$3,300.  That is the amount that Darren and I had to our names in Savings Bonds and cash when we combined our accounts after we got married.  We got an awful little one bedroom apartment, two night jobs, and we thought we were the cats meow.  It was fun to find bargains and try to be thrifty, and we were, of course, 'livin on love' so our bank account didn't bother us a whole lot.

5 years later, 'liven on love' isn't as appealing as it used to be.  We have gone from working class to...well...to what comes right under working class.  I don't let Darren use the word poverty or poor when we do our budget review each month.  I tell him we are Po', which is the slang for poor, and being slang, is inherently cool.

As a caveat here, I would like to say that we have been blessed with amazing parents on each side.  And our amazing parents have been blessed to be able to give and lend us money while Darren is in school.  We absolutely would not be making it without our parents, no question.  I am thankful every . single . day for the gift of having parents that can help us through these next 4 years.

Of course, we don't want to treat this blessing of being partly supported by our parents like we can spend whatever we want.  I work full-time, and that provides us with health insurance and an income to cover rent and groceries.  We are treading very carefully as far as the budget goes, and let me tell you- 

GOD IS WORKING ON MY ATTITUDE!!

There are 4 major ways to get groceries in Warsaw.  The 'Food Bank', Aldi's, the typical middle-class grocery store, and the 'snooty' grocery store.  I use each of these for different types of groceries and sale items.

The first place I call the Food Bank, but actually it's like a second-hand store for expired and damaged goods.  Tallie and I are practically celebrities here, as she is often my sidekick shopper and talks up the staff while I 'hunt'.  I look for dented cans and busted/taped up boxes, because these are the goods that are probably here not because they are expired, but because they aren't able to sell on regular store shelves.  The store is dirty and dingy, small aisles packed full of packages that have been sitting for months and often fall off the shelves on you as you peruse for acceptable items.  I absolutely hate shopping here.  I thought it was fun at first, I would be thrilled when I'd find something that was not expired.  Now, having seen some of the same packages there a dozen times or more, it grosses me out to go into the store.  I'm a wimp when it comes to expired food, it makes me gag and totally horrifies me to think about feeding it to my family.  But even buying the 'acceptable' food there makes it feel tainted when I reach into my cabinet for it- I have to push down feelings of anger and disgust and shame.  And then I have guilt rush in.  Guilt that I am disgusted that I didn't buy this box of Cheerios at a grocery store.  Guilt that I'm angry that I don't have a higher paying job and have to depend on others.  Guilt that I am shamed by being poor.  And I hate that I think myself 'worth' so much more than this.

Luke is always on my mind, and the boys in Zambia he works with.  Why do I feel like I shouldn't have to buy groceries from a discounted food store when these boys sometimes don't even eat unless they are in school?  What makes me feel like I'm so special?  There is nothing wrong with the food I purchase there, and probably not much wrong with the expired food, either.  Why do I get hung up on thinking that I should be able to buy all my groceries from a normal grocery store?  I wish I didn't care. I wish I was thankful and ONLY thankful with no 'buts'.

Today the 'snooty' grocery store had a phenomenal sale on chicken (.59 a lb!  Seriously awesome.).  I got the maximum allotment of 20 lbs, of course.  But when I bought it, I walked slowly through the store.  I parked in a wide parking spot, next to a nicely shrubbed curb.  I walked in on new tile floors and off the bat saw 4 employees primping displays (One was actually taking stray leaves off of organic celery with a specially designed knife.).  I checked out the fresh sushi section, and skimmed the butcher's display (all 12 cases).  I looked at the gorgeous flowers for sale and inhaled deeply as I passed the bakery.  I checked their soy milk prices, which were over a dollar more than the 'typical middle-class' grocery store.  When I went to check out, an overly-excited woman came out of her check out booth and carried my basket to her check-out lane.  The groceries were bagged and double-bagged caringly.  I wheeled my cart to my car, experiencing totally flat terrain the entire way from check out lane to my car door.  As I pulled my bags out of the cart an employee RAN over and took the cart from me so I wouldn't have to move it 2 spots over to the cleverly designed and manicured cart area.  I totally basked in the experience of being babied.  As I put the groceries away when I got home I realized that even the plastic bags felt different than the other stores' bags.  They were actually smoother to the touch and didn't make as annoying of a rustling sounds.  It occured to me that there was even engineering for the bags centered around making people feel like they had purchased their 'better' groceries at a 'better' store.  I suppose that this makes people feel that they deserve this.  It worked on me.  I want groceries that come in quieter, smoother bags!  I want to pay an extra dollar each week for Tallie's milk and not even think about it.

...well, I think that's what I want.  I certainly don't want to pay for dented groceries from a smelly dark store for the rest of my life.  Augh!  Why do I spend time thinking about what I want in groceries?

God has been working on my attitude.  He has been teaching me to enjoy the moments.  He has been teaching me to laugh every time Tallie flirts with that sweaty quirky kid that works in the back of the 'Food Bank' instead of focusing on the can of spaghetti sauce in my hand and willing the expiration date to change to two months from now instead of eight months ago.  He has been teaching me to enjoy the experience of being babied at the 'snooty' grocery store but to make a mental note that someday when I can afford to get groceries here to forgo it so that we can give more to charity.  And as I think about what God is teaching me, I can feel a bit of thankfulness and renewed joy in our current financial situation.  I HATE being poor.  I really really really do.  I am terrified that God is going to call us into poverty for the rest of our lives.  It makes me nauseous to think about.  Maybe He will.  Maybe we'll be asked to live in a burrough or a hut or rent apartments for the rest of our lives.  I will continue to struggle with it, I'm sure.

I'm also sure, that God will continue to work on my attitude.  And I'll be thankful that He cares about me enough to work on my attitude.  And, eventually, I'll be thankful- just plain thankful.